In 4 weeks time it will be a year that we lost our third baby. The last few weeks Ive been a bit of an emotional wreck. Ive used anger as my hiding place and I haven't been able to justify my feelings. Ive got this constant feeling of anxiousness, that 'something isn't right' feeling. I never knew you could still feel this much pain and anger still after a whole year has gone by. Well you can.
I feel like somewhat of a rookie when it comes to miscarriage because I never thought in a million years it would happen to me. All I know is that the feelings and the pain are still very real. I still feel so angry, and I still remember the day it happened. I remember being so shocked looking at that positive pregnancy test. The lines came up so fast, I had never seen that. Soon after the shock I was overcome with the most intense excitement and love. We were so blessed to be able to create three beautiful babies. We told Noah straight away because this kind of exciting news was too much to keep from him. Bowie was too little to understand but I think she knew anyway. I think she could feel the beautiful vibes.
Two days later that all changed. After feeling pain in my right side for two days I couldn't ignore it any longer. I remember being rushed to hospital at 5am. Praying that it was my appendix, please just be my appendix. I didn't care if it was that. I just wanted that precious little being to be safe, I wanted it all to be ok. I remember being rushed through to have a scan. I lay there for what seemed like hours just waiting for her to say something. I didn't understand why she was so silent. I remember saying in my head "and there's a heartbeat, everything is fine". That didn't happen. Instead we were told there was nothing in my uterus and the baby had begun to form in my right fallopian tube. I remember it all like it was yesterday. I'd never felt so helpless and confused. I remember the ultrasound tech leaving the room, Kelvyn said later on that he saw her standing in the hallway, she was crying. I even remember the smell of that damn room. Within an hour I was taken down to theatre. I think I cried my weight in tears that day.
I lay there sobbing my heart out when I woke up. A nurse sat and held my hand for about half an hour. I remember her face so clearly too. She had such a kind face. Sometimes you just need that. No words exchanged, just complete and utter empathy.
For the weeks following I felt like I had to justify my sadness. Could I call it grief ? Could I grieve something that was never mine to keep? I took a lot of comfort in sharing my story and reading other people's stories. It was my way of knowing that I wasn't alone in this and that in some small way I would be helping another Mum deal with her loss. The truth is we are allowed to be angry, we are allowed to just not give a shit what other people think or say. Every one of us will deal with and grieve miscarriage differently. I'll still to this day put my face in my pillow, scream and just sob my heart out, because something was taken from me that I wasn't willing to give up, ever. I'm reminded of our loss every time I get undressed. I have scar for each of my children, two that are here with us and a tiny scar for the tiny soul that should never have been taken from us.
I know that one day we will be able to add another little soul to our family.
Until then, I will cherish every second I have with my two Earth babies, because I now know first hand how blessed I am to have them here with us, happy and healthy.
If you've also experienced the heartbreak of miscarriage or losing a baby, please know you are not alone and you do not have to deal with it alone.